Going Good, Finally

Not thinking about drinking at night anymore. Went on a 3 day weekend with friends and the first night was hard, after that- easy. Its funny how stupid people look when your sober and they are drunk.

Acupunture rocks! I recommend it for anyone who can afford it. Its even working for my wife and her Crohn's. Hope I get some lovin soon!

Getting published writing a lot and pretty busy. I won't be able and don't need to vent anymore.

Thanks to all for reading! Good luck on your own recovery.

Life Rolls Along

Been a couple of days since I last posted. I survived a football weekend with the buddies and didn't drink. I think they enjoyed the designated driver aspect more than my usual drunken self. It keeps getting easier each day and for that I'm thankful.

My wife and I are enjoying the benefits of acupuncture. We both seem more relaxed and not as hateful.

My son's hormones are raging. I had to take his door off the hinges last night to prove to him he cannot control us and act like a smart-ass. Pretty stupid I guess, but effective.

Still unemployed on the construction front, but getting some more articles published.

Life just seems to roll along no matter what.

Obama Wins the Nobel Peace Prize

President Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize for what? Talking? What is so perplexing is that the polls for the awards closed 2 weeks after he became President. I think he won because he is 1/3 black. I am not a racist, do not care what color you are, or believe a color makes you any different than anyone else. It is not the 1950s anymore. So, in my eyes the Nobel Peace prize has become a joke.

Al Gore winning it set the stage for it's incredibility. He won because of a movie he used to further increase his pocketbook. If you don't believe me look at the cars he drives, house he lives in, and the fact that our earth is in a cooling trend.

My rant today- racism and stupidity. I am white, never received any help, or used the "N" word. But, what do I get? The blame for all that's wrong. Do I get a college fund, an all white magazine, an all white college to send my child too, or special priviledges- NO! Could I win the Nobel Peace prize for being white? NO!

Stupidity- I got it, spent my life intoxicated for years. Now I'm sober- give me an award for bettering myself. Maybe I'll make a movie about it and win the Nobel Peace Prize.

All this is pissing me off. Gonna go and have a smoke; but not a drink. Yesterday was what? 11 or 12 weeks. Hey, give me a cookie for that!

Tuesday- Wow, I missed a day

I missed Monday. Either I was too busy, the drinking doesn't bother me as much, or I'm becoming immune to the insanities of sobriety and my wife. Probably the last, but you never know.

I went paddling this morning. I rose at 4 AM and drove to the river. As I paddled the sun rose, ducks and geese took flight, fish took off with a startled burst of energy and I finally calmed. It is glorious to be by yourself in the morning on the water. My mistress mother nature fills me to completion.

Now I am back home in my office writing. I pray to keep the calm and positive energy I have gathered- SERENITY NOW!

9:45 PM

Rained all day while hiking. Nice to be out in the woods and the family got along for quit a while. FInally I guess my wife couldn't take it any longer and decided to break the peace by telling me what I need to do different. She said, in a brief- quit looking for a job (we need me to work for 1- my value personally. 2- money for the family) and fix up the house (yesterday she was worried about spending money), how I need to change my ways and do what she thinks is best, quit smoking, and be more positive. Very sad. What man wants a wife that doesn't like who he is, tells him what to do, doesn't want any physical relations. I feel very trapped though, its not like I can leave without a job or my son. Crush me royal to not be with him- very torn. I think back to my mother and fathers relationship and my mother felt trapped as well.

Later my son tried to pull the same shit my wife did earlier. Monkey see, monkey do.

Is God trying to teach me a lesson- if so I wish school would get out, very tired of being a whinny baby and lonely.

Sunday Hike

Fixing to go hiking with my family. I love to hike and be outside. The only thing I hate is not smoking. I don't smoke in front of my son, so all day I'll be jonesing and trying to keep my anger down. I'm not in the best mood this morning. Thought about drinking a lot last night. My wife and son went to bed early and I sat up watching TV, thinking about drinking and sex. Woke up this morning and tried to snuggle up to my wife- no go. What did I do in my younger years where karma is screwing me to this extent? Very complexing. However, I didn't drink last night. Been thinking a lot about adultery. Not the best thoughts to have since all I really want is my wife- or is it the kid and the cookie jar syndrome? WTF! All I wanted was a pepsi, and she wouldn't give it too me!

Saturday Soccer

Just got back from coaching my son's soccer game. We lost 6-1. Feel bad for the boys, but it wasn't the coaching. My son is right forward and is a great player. Foot skills, passing, speed, defense; he's got it all. The problem is our defense. These boys could care less and really suck. I feel bad for my boy.

Wife seems nicer, but still demanding after acupuncture.

Didn't drink last night, but was around a drunk woman all night. Starting to see how stupid people look when they are drunk. Hope I wasn't like that too much.

Going to try and spend the day with my wife. Hope it all works out.

Wife's Acupuncture

My wife went to acupuncture today. Her first time. She looks better, says she feels wierd, but enjoyed it. The only thing that bugs her is that the Doctor said her parents were angry when she was concieved and its messed with her energy ever since. I don't know about her childhood; but her adult life has been an array of negative energy. I hope it helps to get her on the right track.

Surviving the Mayhem

Yesterday was 3 months of sobriety and for the first time in my life I have clarity concerning my relationships and surroundings. I am very concerned about the way I am treated by my immediate family. Maybe it's because of my past reactions and attitudes; yes, some probably is. However, I cannot be blamed for everything. My wife talks very hateful to me. Filled with confontation. My son immulates her.

It seems whenever I give advise she takes it as a jab into what, who, or how she is. I'm sure I could rephrase things to be less bossy. But, I am a boss and my way is too lead. Take this morning for example. I was in the bathroom with her and she was getting ready for her first acupuncture appointment. The conversation went:

"Those pants are to tight for the appointment. Remember me saying you need to wear something loose," I said.
"Well, this is all I have. Unlike you I care about how I dress," she replied.
"Thats not what I said. I like the way you dress and I know you have a lunch meeting and want to look nice. But, you have to be able to pull your pants over your knee."
"I can, see," she said as she pulled her jeans up over her knee. The pants were so tight she had to struggle to get them up. "You don't now what your talking about. You don't have to talk that way to me. Your always mad."
"I'm not mad," I said. "I'm just trying to help."
"Well, I don't need your help."

The next thing you know I'm frustrated and tell her I don't really give a shit what she wears (which is a lie). I am really trying to be calm and understand that I can't change anyone but myself.

So, my son sees these things and treats me the same way. And because he is my wife's son, he tries to turn everything on me. Isn't it my job to teach my son to be kind? Why does everyone think it's always my fault? Or am I a martyr? All I want is peace to try and get better. To live a life with understanding and love. Not ridicule.

The walls build, brick by brick, and I spend my life trying to tear them down with love. The mortar is thick, the bricks heavy, and I struggle.

Smoking

Been thinking about smoking a lot lately. It's really stupid if you think about it. When I smoked pot at least I got a buzz. With cigarettes there is nothing but death. How come I can't quit? I'm so addicted it's insane! I wish they would outlaw those damn things. Everywhere I turn theres a cigarette waiting in the wings for me. Driving, a writing break, etc. If I don't smoke then my synapsis get all messed up from a lack of seratonin. Anger increases, nervousness, can't think straight. I'm sitting here right now, had one this morning and already thinking about another. Is it boredom from lack of work? Habit? Physical addiction? Lack of sex? Or a combination of all the listed? Acupuncture is supposed to help, I think good thoughts about quiting but still smoke. Think to myself- If I can quit everything else then I can quit smoking. Start out with a plan then it goes to hell. Do I hold on to it because it's my last vice?

Or am I a whinning ruminator without a backbone?

Acupuncture

Went to acupuncture again today. It really makes a difference. Seem a lot calmer- whether its sub-concious or real I don't care right now. It is definitely nice to feel a little peace.

Anniversay

Yesterday was my 3 month anniversary of sobriety. Strange as it was, I seemed depressed all day and then had back issues all night. You wuld think since I made it 3 months it would be a great day; but it wasn't. I couldn't get focused on any particular path, think positive thoughts, or feel excited about anything. Maybe I just need to think happy thoughts... go to my happy place... feel my qi flow from goodness. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. I know what I need- a job I enjoy (still unemployed. I've paid my dues.), intimacy with my wife, and to win the lottery. Shhh, did you hear that? I think hell just froze over.

Media Predictions & My Thoughts on Greed

Heard on the news this morning that they are predicting the stock market to fall again pretty hard and our recovery to stall. Isn't that just ducky! I wish the government would get their nose out of the economy, cut taxes, and let us move on. This socialistic attitude is making me nervous. I've been sober long enough to become bored and I need to go back to work. Time to tell you guys what I think and why. The synopsis:

I lost my second job in two years a while back, not because I am lazy or didn’t apply myself; but because the market conditions couldn’t support my position. The document supplied by my former employer read, “Lack of work”. I am supposed to submit this to my local unemployment agency when I swallow my pride and file for unemployment wages. Then I can relax and find a new job because everyone knows that $250- $300 a week can supply the average families needs. Nothing to worry about, right?


My trade is construction. The art of building homes for the residential sector of our nation. Residential construction is one of the last products made in the US. It is one of the driving forces of our economy. It is the suppliers of the American dream- get a job, buy a home, and fill it with 2.5 children and a dog. I have been in this line of work for most of my life, from working at a sawmill, to creating multi-million dollar homes for the rich and elite. I have laid brick, engineered structural flooring systems, project managed 15,000 square foot homes, and most recently sold tile flooring. My resume is deep but does me no good because construction is at a halt. Who is to blame for this? Is it me? Is it the government? Or is it the population of the US in general?

The first person responsible for this predicament is you. By saying you I also mean me, us, we, the American society in general. Our greed has culminated this economic recession. Get what’s good for me and to hell with everyone else. I need a bigger house and a nicer car, my child needs the $100 pair of shoes to impress his classmates, my wife deserves that big diamond in the display case at the jewelry store. Therefore, I must work harder and longer to pay for all the excess I don’t need. At this point, you have forgotten your responsibility to monitor your government. The government works to secure their future and keep the politicians in a job. Their greed. They don’t care about you, the middleman, because its big business that supports them through lobbyists. Politicians have grown government to support politicians- their job security.

Politician’s greed is the next culprit. How can they grow government to secure their big houses and nice cars? Taxation and government control. However, they do throw us a few “bones” every now and then to keep us satiated. Take the “bone” of allowing everyone to own his or her own home. It was a grand idea and supported me for years. Only greed got in the way, big business gave a loan to anyone, bigger houses were built and bought, then it all went sour and the foreclosures skyrocketed. The result- I'm on unemployment and you are renting an apartment because you couldn’t make the payments on your home.

The next culprit- forgetting God and why he made us. God created man out of love. Do we have love anymore in the sense of what it truly is? Do you love your big house more than your neighbor? How about that car in the driveway, do you love it or your wife? Do you love money more than the Lord above? Written on the piece of paper you worship is the phrase “In God We Trust”, do you trust God or that piece of paper? God created man to toil the soil, to hunt, to gather, to war against what is wrong; however, he also gave us free will. Free will allowed us to change our battle into materialistic gain; henceforth the bigger house that I built and you bought. Now you sit behind a desk 80 hours a week working for big business while your family worships what that piece of paper bought.

Yes, greed. Greed has killed the American society. Greed for materialistic gain, greed for ego, greed for getting what I want, you want, the politicians want. Greed kills, it saps us of moralistic endeavors, and it rapes our land. When we as a people realize that then we will prevail, our economy can change, and I can return to work. Until then I will greedily suck my share from unemployment and watch as my dream also goes into foreclosure. Good luck America, in greed we fall.

Monday Again & Feelin Pretty Good

Actually feel pretty good today. I went out last night to see Blues Traveler and didn't drink. I was nervous at first seeing it was my first sober concert; but it went smooth and I had a great time.

Went to see my shrinky-dink this morning and he said I was doing well except for my anger issues concerning sex. Said I needed to lay it by the wayside and wait on her for as long as I can. Once I'm done then decide about leaving. I shouldn't act like a soothsayer and expect my mind to know what is going to happen. So I'm kicking back right now.

Still need work, ain't got it, but doing all I can.

Sobriety now- serenity later!

It Might Get Loud

I just got back home from It Might Get Loud. Wonderful, in awe, one of the best rock documentaries I've ever seen. Jimmy Page was my hero, and still is. The Edge has brought a new light to me. I always loved U2, but Bono has always overshadowed him. Jack White is good, but doesn't hold a candle to Jimmy. Loved it, loved it, loved it.

Definition of Insanity

Doing the same thing over and over and getting the same negative responce.

I GIVE UP

I can't take it anymore! I quit drinking, go to this acupuncture crap, hide my feelings, bow down to my wife for everything and I'm completely sick of it. She is the biggest bitch I have ever met! It doesn't matter what I do or say, I am always wrong. She is not worth my happiness and sanity. As soon as I get a job, I am leaving.

Shopping Hell

Woke up this morning in a better mood. I even decided to go shopping with my wife. She likes to shop and I thought spending the day with her doing something she liked would be nice. Well, everything was peachy until I decided to talk about sex (I knew better but thought maybe there was a chance). Next thing you know we are yelling and screaming at each other. Supposedly, I am an angry man who scares her because I raise my voice. And because when we stopped at her next shopping area I threw the keys in her purse, missed and accidently hit her in the hand. She claims I meant to do it. WTF!! If I meant to hit her with them I would have, right in the face; but I'm not that kind of person. The conclusion of this story is: If I want sex then I have to ignore my needs, be kind when she's not, do what ever she wants, and hope hell freezes over.

I've made a decision. I will give her what she wants until Christmas. If it hasn't changed then I'm leaving. I can't live like this forever. I hope it works out for my son's sake.

9 PM and wishing for a drink!

Bored, want a drink, to bad so sad! I aint gonna do it!

Rain

It's still raining and I need sunshine! The acupuncture is helping with depression, but the rain is battling it. I'm supposed to get a job offer today or tomorrow for the job I don't want but need. There is nothing worse than doing something you hate everyday because you have too. I wish my writing would explode so I could write for a living and not have to work in construction anymore. Hell, while I'm wishing I might as well wish my wife loved sex and I won the lottery. As they say- "If wishes were nickels we would all be rich".

Drinking is getting easier, not really focusing on it too much. I actually feel kinda healthy for the first time. I guess my liver qi is rolling along in a positive way.

Acupuncture

Going to my second session today. I need it after last night. I tried to talk to my wife this morning and she turned it on me. I'm not ignorrant enough to think I'm not at fault in someway, but forgiveness must be done in order for us to move forward. I can't speak for her, only myself, but she has done some bad stuff as well. I'm not all to blame. It takes two to tango as they say. Hope the needles in my freakin face help my frustration.

Birthday Failure

I've been telling my wife for weeks when she asked me what I wanted for my birthday I said a great lovemaking session. Guess what? I was denied and treated like a fool. It's not like I tried to instigate it with filth or ragged her continously about it before hand.

So, we go to bed, she falls asleep (or acts like it) even though I'm trying to be intimate and close. Then when I wake her she jumps down my throat like I'm a bad, selfish, angry person. WTF!!!! She is the angry, resentful individual, not me. Forgiveness is a two way street. HAPPY BIRTHDAY ME!!!

I really don't know how much longer I can take this BS.

BIG 40

Yes, today I am officially an old man. I am 40, balding, unemployed, and in recovery. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!! I guess it could be worse (and hope it doesn't get that way), but wow, what an adventure it's been.

Someone told me today that God has a plan for you and is in control, just wait and he will let you know what it is when he's ready. I've been thinking about this statement and here is my reply:

God gave man free will and a cortex. How can he he be in control if he gave us free will. Isn't God not concerned with earthly measures? If so, what does he care about your job, age, and hairline as long as your doing what he commands through love and spreading his word. As for recovery- I know he wants a healthy spirit and temple; but if I say I can't control my "disease" then aren't I at fault? He gave us free will to stop the stupidity and a cortex to think it through. He also gave us free will to either sit on our butts and do nothing or go out and make it happen. So in conclusion- he might have a plan, but we need to make our own and if he approves then we make it happen. He isn't in the control we think. It's to easy to lay the blame on him for our failures and laziness.

Hope I didn't make anyone mad with these comments (or if I did so be it, it's my birthday).

Monday

Monday again. I went to see my shrink today and he told me one of the reasons my sex life is crap is because my wife is "ANGRY & PISSED" at me. Well whoopie shit! I'm pissed at her for not having sex, so there. So my question today is- Does it really matter which came first, the chicken or the egg? My chicken needs petting and here egg needs fertilizing so does it really matter? WTF!!!! Yeah, I'm sure she is angry with me; I'm a man and she's a woman. We're gonna get pissed sometimes when we live together. GET OVER IT!!!

Doggone I feel better. Stayed sober again today! Sweetness!

Birthday Suprise

My wife did well last night. We went out to dinner and sitting at our table were my best friends. It was a total surprise! My 3 best friends for over 20 years were there, as well as their girlfriends or wives, and another couple I hold very dear. I recieved gifts and great conversation. One friend was his usual self and making fun of the seeds growing out of my ears, but they all supported me with my drinking issues and no one acted very drunk or pushed me to drink. I had my new "cocktail" of club soda and grapefruit juice and settled into a great evening. To top it all off I had sex with my wife! First time in months, not the best I ever had, but her effort was there and for that I am grateful. Feel good today for the first time in a long while.

Saturday

I had to go out of town yesterday so I didn't get to post. I went to my hometown and dealt with my father's estate issues. It's finally settled, but my step monster royally screwed me out of a lot of family stuff. Very depressing. She was a gold digger and played her cards perfectly. Anyway. I'm back, didn't kill anyone, have a drink, and I think because of my acupunture handled it all with a rational head.

The acupunture- seems to help. However, I'm still smoking and the seeds on my ear are driving me crazy. I press on them when I have the urge to drink or smoke. Haven't drank, but still smoking. Not as much, but still smoking.

My wife is taking me out to dinner for my 40th birthday tonight. We're going to dinner and after that who knows. Not like I'll feel like going to a bar or out drinking and dancing. Maybe we'll come home and have sex. That would be a nice birthday present. Wow- 40 years old, unemployed, in recovery, no sex, depressed. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!!

P.S.- the Vols are getting their butts kicked.

Needles in my Face

I just got home from my first acupunture visit. Holy Crap it was weird! I don't, or can't figure out if I liked it. I think it did some good because I found out a lot about my system and why I'm feeling the way I do. I also feel more relaxed and somewhat balanced.The Synopsis:

1. I'm sexually frustrated and it's messing with my emotions
2. My liver is pickled and messing with my blood flow
3. My heart is stressed and messes with my mind
4. My spleen is stressed and gives me back issues

The treatment:

1. Needles in my face
2. Needles in my arms
3. Needles in my stomach
4. Needles in my shins
5. Needles in my feet
6. All needle placement lasted 30 minutes while I meditated on a bed and listened to ocean wave sounds
7. Begin meditation
8. More exercise- need daily, not just 2-3 times a week hiking, etc
9. And last but not least- bandaids on my ears with chinese seeds under them- I'm supposed to press them at least 3 minutes a day. It hurts like crap when I do!

I guess I'm up for about anything now. Hope it works.

Alone

My son is asleep with a cold, my wife is at a party with her coworkers, and I'm sitting here by myself contemplating getting a drink or smoking a joint. I'm also listening to my son cough in his bedroom, being fearful of swine flu, and wondering if my wife is sleeping with someone else. Crazy like a rabid fox I am.

It would be easy to get a drink or a fatty right now. If my wife comes home she will probably be drunk and would never know the difference, but I would. Tomorrow I would feel more like a loser than ever and then get a job interview with a drug test. Total waste it would be.

Well, I've talked myself out of the intoxicants, but still worried about my son and what my wife is doing. I will check him throughout the night and hope he's OK. As for her- it would probably be for the best anyway, I'm beginning to get tired of her and her attitude. Freedom would be nice; however, not seeing my son everyday would crush my soul. Caught in a bind I guess.

Love for my son comes first so to hell with her and her issues, I've got my own to deal with right now.

Raining and Thinking

Spent the morning with my son going to the doctor, picking up drugs for him, breakfast. Even though he is sick, he still is the smartest and funniest person I know. I dare say he is my hero. He is 11, a natural born athlete- amazing soccer skills & speed + he can run like Forrest Gump, never made less than an A in school, whitty as hell, a goodlooking boy, the littlemans got the whole package. And whats so great is he naturally does his best. I don't have to push him, live my life through him, etc. He's got heart. Heart is rare in America today. I used to have it, but alcohol pickled mine, then somehow it got squashed in the mud. Yes, I'm searching for it and when I find it, I'll clean it off and cram it back where it belongs. I ramble, back to him. He is my hero, my light, my will to carry on. For him I am grateful.

Morning Angst

Sometimes when I wake up I don't want to deal with too much. This morning was one of those mornings. However, my wife thought differently. She felt like talking my head off, slamming closet doors, telling me about this/that/or the other thing. Mainly about her work. I'm glad she has a job she enjoys and is employed. But I don't. She nevers wants to help me out (she's a freakin headhunter and her husband is unemployed). Also, our son is sick and she rambles on about that. What I should do, how I should do it- I'm not a freakin retard! Of course I had my mind on sex and knew that wasn't happening. I've been sober almost 8 weeks and I know we haven't had sex since then. It's probably been longer, but don't remember the last time. She will also be going to a party for work tonight and leaving me home with a sick kid. She's probably doing it with her boss. I have to cancel soccer practice tonight (I'm a coach) because of my son's sickness. I have to cancel my appt. All this is making me feel very trapped. My mind is rumminating in a terrible way.

Keeping Faith

7:30 AM and I sit behind my computer getting ready to work on my books 3rd draft. However, the muse is waning and the depression is waxing. I know your supposed to work through it, try not and force the muse, and become one with the story. But I just don't feel it today.

My list of duties is growing and weighing heavily on my mind. I'm supposed to be working on the house (painting, etc), getting ready for a yardsale, cleaning, renewing my drivers license, and other trivial BS. But I don't want to do these items either.

I wonder when the light breaks from behind the clouds and everything looks sunny. 7 1/2 weeks of sobriety and I still feel the same. I am very tired of depression. I know it's caused by a poor outlook and grows like a fungus, a parasitic growth covering my soul, feeding of my life force. How can I remove it, kill it, or transfer it to another location? I guess the answer is hidden within myself. Maybe it's so simple I can't recognize it. Maybe it's just realizing that my unemployment is beyond my control, my wife's intimacy issues are beyond my control, that what I have is blessed. Family, food, health, a roof over my head, freedom. That I'm not third world.

Yes, I'm thankful for these things; but, I am an American- greedy, materialistic, shallow. I'm not proud of these traits, but glad I'm free. Freedom is a wonderful thing. I have the freedom to sit on this computer and complain, I have the freedom to drink, I have the freedom to not drink, I have freedom to release the depression, I have freedom to accept the things I cannot change. But- how do I keep this faith and not let it cover my soul? Ah, the question of the day. How do I keep faith?

Rainy Days and Mondays Always Get Me Down

Well, it's Monday, raining, and another day closer to my fortieth birthday. So, I took a mental health morning and went walking in the woods where a huge cottonmouth almost bite me. Ain't that nice. There is nothing better than walking along admiring nature when Mr. Creepy Creepertan wants to take a plug out of your leg. Scared the crap out of me! All in all it was a nice walk. Oh yeah, a huge black dog came out of the woods when I was walking back to my truck along the road and scared the crap out of me as well. WTF?

I still haven't heard from the second interview. On edge about that.

I made an acupuncture appointment today because of my wife. She thinks it will help me quit smoking, lose the urge to drink, etc. I think she's hoping the Doctor puts a needle in my penis and ruptures it so she won't have to have sex. ARGHHH!

Just not happy again today- lonely, still want a drink, no work happening, depressed.

Sunday Morning Sadness

I used to love Sunday mornings. I would wake to my wife's caress and after a morning of intimacy we would watch our favorite news show- Sunday Morning. After the show we would go for a hike with our son or go bike riding. Things are different now. Like I've mentioned before, our intimacy level is terrible. She thinks I'm being selfish and refuses intimacy with me. Over the past five years it has waned to Sundays only. From there it went to once a month on a Sunday morning, then once a quarter. Now it's nonexistant. So, I wake this morning and she's already up, making noise and avoiding me. It really hurts. I try to explain to her my feelings and she blows me off. It's not like I'm not a good husband. Yes, I drank a lot, but it never really stopped me from doing my job as a husband and a worker bee. I guess I need to let you know what I did on a daily basis for you to see I'm not full of bull.

I got our child ready for school and took him to school while my wife leisurely got ready. I also bring her coffee. I go to work. I pick up our son at the end of the day, cook dinner, make sure his homework is done, do laundry, mow lawn, sweep/clean house. I do 90% of everything for the family. I do it because she has crohns and is tired. I do it because I love my family. I do it because it needs done. I drank to make it easier on myself (which didn't work).Now I do 100% because I'm unemployed. It is OK because I don't work right now, but what happens when I get another job. I don't think I can do it all and have time to live.

Now I'm sober and realizing how much I do and how I put her on a pedestal daily- The Queen. All, I ask is for support with my sobriety, intimacy, and recognition for the things I do. I'm very lonely and sad. Depression stinks, loneliness stinks, sobriety stinks. Thank God for my son because he gives me the reason to carry on in this world of crap.

Needing to Say Something Nice

All the posts on this blog have been negative. Therefore, I am going to write a short blurb about something nice.

I saw a baby snake this morning. A Kingsnake to be exact. I picked him up and watched his body curl around my hand. Black and yellow, his body wriggling, trying to release himself from my grasp. I layed him on the driveway and looked into his tiny dark eyes. I saw no soul in them, but knew it was a breathing creature, vital to our earth. As we made eye contact he seemed to speak to me telepathically. He said- "All is well. I do feel, same as you. Thank you for being kind. God loves you." Then he slid off into the grass. I thought of his statement about God. God loves me, but why does he put me through this turmoil I asked myself. Then I remembered a verse from the Bible where it says God doesn't really care about the material world. He cares about you and your love. Love your brother is a major theme in the New Testament. I wonder if I'm loving the way I should. Karma can be a bitch. I need to love my brother/sister more.

Am I Creating the Moment?

Sometimes I wonder if I bring it on myself through subliminal thought. What I thought would happen today happened. A disparaging look from my wife when I mentioned intimacy, I cleaned the house, did the yard, and she sat on her ass. Only I know she didn't work much- probably facebooking. Facebook is her vacation from reality (but so is blogging/writing for me). I just want to be with her, nothing nasty, just loving intimacy. WTF! We got in a pretty heated arguement about it as well. Usually I just slink off feeling stupid, but today I actually fought back a little (I know it's not healthy, but I had to give my feelings). I was reasonably calm and very rational. She tried to turn it on my smoking and I turned it back at her to worry about herself and try to fix herself, not me. Now I sit in my office and complain to anybody who will read this dribble. Wishing I could cath a buzz.

Aniversary & My Wife

Yesterday was my 7 week aniversary. Very exciting! It's the longest I have been sober since 12 or 13 years old. So all in all yesterday was a good day. Today will be another typical Friday though. What will happen today you ask?

First, my wife doesn't work on Fridays. Well, she works, but from home. Since I am unemployed and our son is at school we will be together all day. She will sit on the couch and work behind her computer, periodically telling me in demeaning ways how I need to clean the house, do this, do that. Eventually my sex drive will win out and I'll approach her for intimacy. She will say her stomach hurts from crohns disease or all I think about is sex and act as if I'm a shallow person. I will become angry because it's been 8-10 weeks since our last encounter. Sometimes it's even longer- we have sex maybe once every 4 months. From that point on we will be distant from each other and on edge. I will clean the house, do the laundry, mow the lawn, look for a job, pick up our son from school, etc. Come evening we will go eat dinner with friends and I'll watch them drink. Eventually we will come home and go to bed. I will lay next to her yearning for her touch as she either looks at me like I'm insane for wanting intimacy or falls asleep.

It wouldn't be so bad if I was a dishonest person or she wasn't so pretty. I have never cheated and don't want to cheat. I want her. She is beautiful! Nice height, pretty face, curvy body, dresses stylish. It drives me insane! Years ago- probably 20, our sex life was great. Then came crohns disease and it all fell apart. I don't want to sound shallow because if I shit 10-20 times a day I wouldn't want to have sex either, but damn! It doesn't seem fair! Was I a rapist in a past life? Did I abuse women? WTF?

About her demeaning nature. I don't want to portray her as an evil woman- she's not. It's just her parents were that way. Bossy and controlling. She learned it from them and can't seem to shake it. She is type AAA. It's her way or the highway. I love her though with all my heart and soul.

Our lack of sex and her bossiness was two of the reasons I drank. It was easier for me to go to sleep next to the woman I loved with a buzz than to try and have sex. Now I lay there sober missing her. Or I thought if I had a buzz her attitude wouldn't affect me (thanks to my anger issues I was wrong on that one). I wish I could change her, or fix the crohns, but I can't. I just need some love from the women I adore.

Job Interview

I had a job interview today. A second one to be exact. It was at a chain restaurant that I hate. However, it was a 2nd interview so that is positive. When the waitress asked if I would like a glass of wine or a beer I almost slipped up and said yes. I'm glad I caught myself. The company has longevity, is relatively in my field, and likes to give people freedom to do their own thing. You would think that I was excited, but I'm not. I'm scared the money will stink and I'll have to take it anyway. Bringing down my salary/bonuses if I ever get another job. Also worried about self-motivation to excel. I'm kicking it in on sobriety and worried my focus might decrease. Company parties, etc scare me now. Drinking and smoking on a Tuesday night (Beastie Boys) is what I'm worried about. There is a little travel involved and I don't want to be in a hotel with a bar on a Tuesday night. Guess what I need to be thankful for is the opportunity to feed my family and quit bitchin like a spoiled brat.

Mid-Day Update

I've been behind the desk all morning working on the 2nd draft of my book. By the way I write on here you would think my writing skills stink. But, this is my outlet where I don't have to worry about passive voice, adverbs, etc. So deal with it.

Feeling a little better today. I have smoked a lot this morning. I use cigarettes as a thinking time when I'm stuck on a word or phrase. 2nd drafts I smoke a lot. I've been really worried about the economy today. WTF! It's crazy out there. My paying business was construction before the recession. Now it's not. The boredom of not putting in 60 hour work weeks is driving me crazy. Before I quit drinking at least I had a buzz (not that it was helpful). Now I'm sober and rumminating to much.

I feel like there is a war going on in my head. The battle between good and evil. Smile, Drink, Get Pissed, Be Thankful for what you have, Drink, Enjoy your time off and be creative, Get high, spend time with your family, watch some porn on the internet. It's driving me insane. I hope good wins.

Anxious

I have tried to shake it all day but I'm really feeling anxious. From Swine Flu (took my son to the doctor and he is clean), to being unemployed, and dealing with boredom. I tried to write this morning on my book but couldn't get focused. It's not writers block, just a sick child needing this, needing that, being bored. Also listening to the BS on the news about the government taking control of my life this morning added to the feeling. It all makes me very anxious. In reality I'm wondering if I'm bringing it on myself to allow myself an excuse for a nip at the bottle. Luckily it hasn't worked, but its swimming around in my brain and won't leave- the anxiety fish.

I've been thinking about AA as well. Embarrassment stops me from going though. Which is really kind of stupid since I'm bearing my ass to the world as I write. Community stigmas are such bullshit. Play the game! Be the man! "Hey Joe, How you doin?"- like anyone really gives a crap about you. All most people care about is what they can get from you. At least thats my town. I do have a few friends thank god. But most citizens are materialistic nevus rich idiots. WOW, that felt good to say.

Worried about my wife as well. Crohns disease sucks for her and the family. She's sitting on the couch beside me and I can tell her stomach is killing her. It's been like that for days. When she has a flare up she becomes so mean and hateful. I guess I don't blame her because if my stomach hurt like hers then I would be a bitch as well. But it also means I'm her whipping post, there will be no intimacy, and going to bed sober will be hell. Drinking before bed helped me sleep and ease the pain of loneliness. She'll bitch at me to ease her pain, then go to bed. It's been months since she felt OK to be intimate. Makes me very lonely. But when she used to feel good our marriage was pretty awesome. I miss those days so much.

Evenings are hard. Hate bedtime. Miss my wife. Want my son to get better. Want a job I enjoy and involves my passions. Want to quit feeling anxious. Whatever normal is, I would like to experience it for a while.

Astrological Signs

Going through the profiles of people with the same interests. Mainly recovery & addiction. Really crazy how there are a butt load of Virgos out there. Wonder what the ratio statistics are? I'm a Virgo. Crazy!!!

More History of Addiction

I guess I need to get out my past so I can focus on my future. I should start with my abuse. As said before, I got high for the first time in Jr. High. By high school I was drinking almost daily and getting blitzed on the weekends. I got high before school almost everyday and at least once a month when I could afford it I would do some blow. I also tripped a decent amount in high school. My junior year I was sent to a "private reform" school where I met a lot of guys like me and increased my habits.

In college it got worse. I partied everyday and did about everything I could get my hands one. Funny though, I survived most of my classes; however, I never graduated. After meeting my wife in college (I was her dealer) she found out the extent of my addictions and made me quit everything but pot and alcohol. Since I was totally in love I did what was needed and followed her instructions. I did sneak some blow here or there, but mainly kept getting high and drinking daily. When my wife became pregnant with my son I quit pot. I did resort back to it occasionally. Previously I said I had quit it but that was a lie. I smoked a lot for a while, would put it down, buy a bag of killer and start back. It was an endless cycle. When our marriage was in the dumps I decided to quit getting high all together (plus I was scared of work drug tests). Thats when the drinking increased and kept going until July 29, 2009.

There is the truth. I guess I am blessed that I never took a liking to needles, they freaked me out.

So, today I am sober, unemployed, finding forgiveness, dealing with my abusive past, trying not to be a martyr, loving my wife and son, and trying to love myself despite my faults. The only addiction I have left are my Winston Lights. I'll tackle them another day.

Can't Sleep

I can't sleep. I keep mulling over life in my head. Right now I'm worried about my son. He is sick but doesn't have a fever. Kinda worried about the swine flu. My wife put that idea in my head. She is definitely the worry wart of the family and thinks the worst of everything. Damn though- the swine flu is some messed up shit.

I'm also thinking about my past. How I spent the majority of my 40 years intoxicated. I guess there really isn't a drug I haven't done at least once. My favorites- coke, weed, X, alcohol, acid, mushrooms, percocet. Did a lot of those in the past. It's funny how I quit them all except alcohol. It took a long time to quit smoking weed, but a job took care of that. Coke was out once my wife found out. That was a bitch habit to stop. The acid, X,  and mushrooms weren't hard at all. Percocet was just a sleep aid during my coke binges.  Drinking just seemed to go along with all of them, and when I had to stop getting high then the drinking increased. Next thing you know I'm pounding cocktails all night.

Also thinking about my mother and father. She was an alcoholic who died from lung cancer. He is a dead asshole who tried to kill my spirit daily (he still does but thats a long story).

Thinking how I need to quit smoking Winstons.

I'm also unemployed right now- construction is a bitch and thats my forte. I need to work and a purpose. However, maybe my purpose is sobriety.

Thinking I'm thinking to damn much!

Victory

Well, I made it through my first dinner party and didn't have a drink. Neither did my wife. I feel guilty that she thinks she can't drink because of my issue, but it's probably for the best- she has crohns disease. My friend didn't pressure me at all and that was nice. A few of the guests acted a little weird, but that's to be expected. One small step for me. Some redneck once said- "It ain't nothin but a step for a stepper". Pretty proud of myself.

Anger

I know I've posted a lot today, but I have to share my anger issue for the moment. I am so sick and tired of my son being a know it all and my wife being on a short fuse. It's not his fault because he learned that attitude from his mother. She thinks she knows everything! And- if you don't do what she wants immediately she talks down to you like your a fool. I wish I could have a drink to calm my nerves! Isn't that the alcoholics montra? SERENITY NOW!!!

My Confession

I am an addict! There, I said it and the world knows. I have been sober since July 29, 2009 and it's a been a hard few weeks. Hopefully this blog will help in my recovery and keep me accountable to someone other than myself and my family. My son doesn't know because he is 11. My wife doesn't understand because her only addiction is shopping. Therefore, from now on it's just you- the reader, and me. Together we will put the puzzle together, piece by piece, until my life is complete without drugs and alcohol- a perfect picture. Maybe I'll hang it on the wall for all to see once it's finished, or tuck it in a drawer to hide. Either way the journey should be crazy.

A Brief History

Why am I an addict? I am an addict because I chose to be. I believe everything we do is a conscious choice. I made the choice to partake in drugs and alcohol at an early age. I took my first hit off a joint when I was in jr. high, drank my first beer in middle school, and didn't stop until the other day. I did, however, quit everything but drinking sometime ago. That's when the drinking got heavier. I was up to around 12-15 crown and cokes an evening before sloshing myself to bed. For years I blamed it on my abusive father, my demanding wife, a job I hated. I blamed it on everything but myself. But I was a functioning alcoholic. I went to work and did my job to the best of my ability, I coached my son's soccer team, I did my home chores. I did everything a man should do except with a drink in my hand, or on the brain. Drinking was second nature to me. A cocktail went with everything- football, hunting, fishing, sex, writing. You name it I did it with a drink in hand (except work). I'll tell more later. Right now I feel overwhelmed.

1st Party

I'm going to one of my best friends houses tonight for a dinner party. I've eaten lunch with him a few times since my quit date and he seemed supportive. I'm nervous though because he is a drinker. It's also my first party as a non-drinker. I hope he doesn't try to rag me or offer me a drink. We've been friends for over 20 years and I would hate to loose his friendship. I pray for strength.
Looking back at our friendship it seems we always partied together. What if that's all we have in common? But then again, doesn't all drinkers hang together because it's easier to be a drunk among fellow drunks? Wow, gonna be weird! Or am I just ruminating?