7:30 AM and I sit behind my computer getting ready to work on my books 3rd draft. However, the muse is waning and the depression is waxing. I know your supposed to work through it, try not and force the muse, and become one with the story. But I just don't feel it today.
My list of duties is growing and weighing heavily on my mind. I'm supposed to be working on the house (painting, etc), getting ready for a yardsale, cleaning, renewing my drivers license, and other trivial BS. But I don't want to do these items either.
I wonder when the light breaks from behind the clouds and everything looks sunny. 7 1/2 weeks of sobriety and I still feel the same. I am very tired of depression. I know it's caused by a poor outlook and grows like a fungus, a parasitic growth covering my soul, feeding of my life force. How can I remove it, kill it, or transfer it to another location? I guess the answer is hidden within myself. Maybe it's so simple I can't recognize it. Maybe it's just realizing that my unemployment is beyond my control, my wife's intimacy issues are beyond my control, that what I have is blessed. Family, food, health, a roof over my head, freedom. That I'm not third world.
Yes, I'm thankful for these things; but, I am an American- greedy, materialistic, shallow. I'm not proud of these traits, but glad I'm free. Freedom is a wonderful thing. I have the freedom to sit on this computer and complain, I have the freedom to drink, I have the freedom to not drink, I have freedom to release the depression, I have freedom to accept the things I cannot change. But- how do I keep this faith and not let it cover my soul? Ah, the question of the day. How do I keep faith?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment