Aniversary & My Wife

Yesterday was my 7 week aniversary. Very exciting! It's the longest I have been sober since 12 or 13 years old. So all in all yesterday was a good day. Today will be another typical Friday though. What will happen today you ask?

First, my wife doesn't work on Fridays. Well, she works, but from home. Since I am unemployed and our son is at school we will be together all day. She will sit on the couch and work behind her computer, periodically telling me in demeaning ways how I need to clean the house, do this, do that. Eventually my sex drive will win out and I'll approach her for intimacy. She will say her stomach hurts from crohns disease or all I think about is sex and act as if I'm a shallow person. I will become angry because it's been 8-10 weeks since our last encounter. Sometimes it's even longer- we have sex maybe once every 4 months. From that point on we will be distant from each other and on edge. I will clean the house, do the laundry, mow the lawn, look for a job, pick up our son from school, etc. Come evening we will go eat dinner with friends and I'll watch them drink. Eventually we will come home and go to bed. I will lay next to her yearning for her touch as she either looks at me like I'm insane for wanting intimacy or falls asleep.

It wouldn't be so bad if I was a dishonest person or she wasn't so pretty. I have never cheated and don't want to cheat. I want her. She is beautiful! Nice height, pretty face, curvy body, dresses stylish. It drives me insane! Years ago- probably 20, our sex life was great. Then came crohns disease and it all fell apart. I don't want to sound shallow because if I shit 10-20 times a day I wouldn't want to have sex either, but damn! It doesn't seem fair! Was I a rapist in a past life? Did I abuse women? WTF?

About her demeaning nature. I don't want to portray her as an evil woman- she's not. It's just her parents were that way. Bossy and controlling. She learned it from them and can't seem to shake it. She is type AAA. It's her way or the highway. I love her though with all my heart and soul.

Our lack of sex and her bossiness was two of the reasons I drank. It was easier for me to go to sleep next to the woman I loved with a buzz than to try and have sex. Now I lay there sober missing her. Or I thought if I had a buzz her attitude wouldn't affect me (thanks to my anger issues I was wrong on that one). I wish I could change her, or fix the crohns, but I can't. I just need some love from the women I adore.