Anxious

I have tried to shake it all day but I'm really feeling anxious. From Swine Flu (took my son to the doctor and he is clean), to being unemployed, and dealing with boredom. I tried to write this morning on my book but couldn't get focused. It's not writers block, just a sick child needing this, needing that, being bored. Also listening to the BS on the news about the government taking control of my life this morning added to the feeling. It all makes me very anxious. In reality I'm wondering if I'm bringing it on myself to allow myself an excuse for a nip at the bottle. Luckily it hasn't worked, but its swimming around in my brain and won't leave- the anxiety fish.

I've been thinking about AA as well. Embarrassment stops me from going though. Which is really kind of stupid since I'm bearing my ass to the world as I write. Community stigmas are such bullshit. Play the game! Be the man! "Hey Joe, How you doin?"- like anyone really gives a crap about you. All most people care about is what they can get from you. At least thats my town. I do have a few friends thank god. But most citizens are materialistic nevus rich idiots. WOW, that felt good to say.

Worried about my wife as well. Crohns disease sucks for her and the family. She's sitting on the couch beside me and I can tell her stomach is killing her. It's been like that for days. When she has a flare up she becomes so mean and hateful. I guess I don't blame her because if my stomach hurt like hers then I would be a bitch as well. But it also means I'm her whipping post, there will be no intimacy, and going to bed sober will be hell. Drinking before bed helped me sleep and ease the pain of loneliness. She'll bitch at me to ease her pain, then go to bed. It's been months since she felt OK to be intimate. Makes me very lonely. But when she used to feel good our marriage was pretty awesome. I miss those days so much.

Evenings are hard. Hate bedtime. Miss my wife. Want my son to get better. Want a job I enjoy and involves my passions. Want to quit feeling anxious. Whatever normal is, I would like to experience it for a while.