Surviving the Mayhem

Yesterday was 3 months of sobriety and for the first time in my life I have clarity concerning my relationships and surroundings. I am very concerned about the way I am treated by my immediate family. Maybe it's because of my past reactions and attitudes; yes, some probably is. However, I cannot be blamed for everything. My wife talks very hateful to me. Filled with confontation. My son immulates her.

It seems whenever I give advise she takes it as a jab into what, who, or how she is. I'm sure I could rephrase things to be less bossy. But, I am a boss and my way is too lead. Take this morning for example. I was in the bathroom with her and she was getting ready for her first acupuncture appointment. The conversation went:

"Those pants are to tight for the appointment. Remember me saying you need to wear something loose," I said.
"Well, this is all I have. Unlike you I care about how I dress," she replied.
"Thats not what I said. I like the way you dress and I know you have a lunch meeting and want to look nice. But, you have to be able to pull your pants over your knee."
"I can, see," she said as she pulled her jeans up over her knee. The pants were so tight she had to struggle to get them up. "You don't now what your talking about. You don't have to talk that way to me. Your always mad."
"I'm not mad," I said. "I'm just trying to help."
"Well, I don't need your help."

The next thing you know I'm frustrated and tell her I don't really give a shit what she wears (which is a lie). I am really trying to be calm and understand that I can't change anyone but myself.

So, my son sees these things and treats me the same way. And because he is my wife's son, he tries to turn everything on me. Isn't it my job to teach my son to be kind? Why does everyone think it's always my fault? Or am I a martyr? All I want is peace to try and get better. To live a life with understanding and love. Not ridicule.

The walls build, brick by brick, and I spend my life trying to tear them down with love. The mortar is thick, the bricks heavy, and I struggle.