Tuesday- Wow, I missed a day

I missed Monday. Either I was too busy, the drinking doesn't bother me as much, or I'm becoming immune to the insanities of sobriety and my wife. Probably the last, but you never know.

I went paddling this morning. I rose at 4 AM and drove to the river. As I paddled the sun rose, ducks and geese took flight, fish took off with a startled burst of energy and I finally calmed. It is glorious to be by yourself in the morning on the water. My mistress mother nature fills me to completion.

Now I am back home in my office writing. I pray to keep the calm and positive energy I have gathered- SERENITY NOW!

9:45 PM

Rained all day while hiking. Nice to be out in the woods and the family got along for quit a while. FInally I guess my wife couldn't take it any longer and decided to break the peace by telling me what I need to do different. She said, in a brief- quit looking for a job (we need me to work for 1- my value personally. 2- money for the family) and fix up the house (yesterday she was worried about spending money), how I need to change my ways and do what she thinks is best, quit smoking, and be more positive. Very sad. What man wants a wife that doesn't like who he is, tells him what to do, doesn't want any physical relations. I feel very trapped though, its not like I can leave without a job or my son. Crush me royal to not be with him- very torn. I think back to my mother and fathers relationship and my mother felt trapped as well.

Later my son tried to pull the same shit my wife did earlier. Monkey see, monkey do.

Is God trying to teach me a lesson- if so I wish school would get out, very tired of being a whinny baby and lonely.

Sunday Hike

Fixing to go hiking with my family. I love to hike and be outside. The only thing I hate is not smoking. I don't smoke in front of my son, so all day I'll be jonesing and trying to keep my anger down. I'm not in the best mood this morning. Thought about drinking a lot last night. My wife and son went to bed early and I sat up watching TV, thinking about drinking and sex. Woke up this morning and tried to snuggle up to my wife- no go. What did I do in my younger years where karma is screwing me to this extent? Very complexing. However, I didn't drink last night. Been thinking a lot about adultery. Not the best thoughts to have since all I really want is my wife- or is it the kid and the cookie jar syndrome? WTF! All I wanted was a pepsi, and she wouldn't give it too me!

Saturday Soccer

Just got back from coaching my son's soccer game. We lost 6-1. Feel bad for the boys, but it wasn't the coaching. My son is right forward and is a great player. Foot skills, passing, speed, defense; he's got it all. The problem is our defense. These boys could care less and really suck. I feel bad for my boy.

Wife seems nicer, but still demanding after acupuncture.

Didn't drink last night, but was around a drunk woman all night. Starting to see how stupid people look when they are drunk. Hope I wasn't like that too much.

Going to try and spend the day with my wife. Hope it all works out.

Wife's Acupuncture

My wife went to acupuncture today. Her first time. She looks better, says she feels wierd, but enjoyed it. The only thing that bugs her is that the Doctor said her parents were angry when she was concieved and its messed with her energy ever since. I don't know about her childhood; but her adult life has been an array of negative energy. I hope it helps to get her on the right track.

Surviving the Mayhem

Yesterday was 3 months of sobriety and for the first time in my life I have clarity concerning my relationships and surroundings. I am very concerned about the way I am treated by my immediate family. Maybe it's because of my past reactions and attitudes; yes, some probably is. However, I cannot be blamed for everything. My wife talks very hateful to me. Filled with confontation. My son immulates her.

It seems whenever I give advise she takes it as a jab into what, who, or how she is. I'm sure I could rephrase things to be less bossy. But, I am a boss and my way is too lead. Take this morning for example. I was in the bathroom with her and she was getting ready for her first acupuncture appointment. The conversation went:

"Those pants are to tight for the appointment. Remember me saying you need to wear something loose," I said.
"Well, this is all I have. Unlike you I care about how I dress," she replied.
"Thats not what I said. I like the way you dress and I know you have a lunch meeting and want to look nice. But, you have to be able to pull your pants over your knee."
"I can, see," she said as she pulled her jeans up over her knee. The pants were so tight she had to struggle to get them up. "You don't now what your talking about. You don't have to talk that way to me. Your always mad."
"I'm not mad," I said. "I'm just trying to help."
"Well, I don't need your help."

The next thing you know I'm frustrated and tell her I don't really give a shit what she wears (which is a lie). I am really trying to be calm and understand that I can't change anyone but myself.

So, my son sees these things and treats me the same way. And because he is my wife's son, he tries to turn everything on me. Isn't it my job to teach my son to be kind? Why does everyone think it's always my fault? Or am I a martyr? All I want is peace to try and get better. To live a life with understanding and love. Not ridicule.

The walls build, brick by brick, and I spend my life trying to tear them down with love. The mortar is thick, the bricks heavy, and I struggle.

Smoking

Been thinking about smoking a lot lately. It's really stupid if you think about it. When I smoked pot at least I got a buzz. With cigarettes there is nothing but death. How come I can't quit? I'm so addicted it's insane! I wish they would outlaw those damn things. Everywhere I turn theres a cigarette waiting in the wings for me. Driving, a writing break, etc. If I don't smoke then my synapsis get all messed up from a lack of seratonin. Anger increases, nervousness, can't think straight. I'm sitting here right now, had one this morning and already thinking about another. Is it boredom from lack of work? Habit? Physical addiction? Lack of sex? Or a combination of all the listed? Acupuncture is supposed to help, I think good thoughts about quiting but still smoke. Think to myself- If I can quit everything else then I can quit smoking. Start out with a plan then it goes to hell. Do I hold on to it because it's my last vice?

Or am I a whinning ruminator without a backbone?